Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Randomize
