watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
