I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
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