He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Someone signed my nipple.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
