He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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