Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
