I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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