I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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