we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Randomize
