i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
