If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
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