Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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