You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
