Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
