Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Randomize
