You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
