Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
