My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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