I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
