My hair reeks of homosexuality.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
