When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
