Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I need to align my fucking chakras
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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