Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
