Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
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