I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
