Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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