I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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