I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Less talking, more tequila
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
