I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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