dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Randomize
