I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
How does one acquire holy water?
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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