Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
