he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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