You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Randomize
