So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Randomize
