I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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