you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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