im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
