Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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