a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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