Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
