Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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