Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Randomize
