i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
