and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
handjob tips. give me some.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
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