How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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