What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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