PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
