I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
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