I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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