and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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