I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
He is an equal opportunity slut.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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