I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
She has the best kind of daddy issues
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize