you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
