Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
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