you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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