I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Randomize
