i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
did i just pee glitter
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
