I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
